Mi viejo

Debo reconocer que durante mucho tiempo he guardado antipatías hacia mi papá. Es que no entendía como un adulto podía guiar tan mal a un niño en su formación. No entendía su ausencia. No entendía su falta de apoyo. No entendía sus discursos largos. No entendía sus silencios, mucho más largos aún. Es cierto que de muchas maneras recibí de mis padres una educación de primera. Vamos, no es que piense que soy una lumbrera de conocimientos pero si entiendo que las instituciones en donde estudie han sido de primer nivel y que muchas de las personas que conozco forman ya parte de la cúpula cultural de Lima. Pero ese no es el punto específico. Realmente mi frustración va por el lado formativo. Me frustra el hecho de no haber aprendido más idiomas más joven. De no haber aprendido a tocar bien algún instrumento musical. De no saber dibujar bien. De no haber aprendido un poco más de negocios, sobre todo habiendo varios en mi familia.Es posible que alguno piense que no supe aprovechar las oportunidades que me dieron mis padres. Sé que las tuve y fueron muchas por cierto pero también sé que falto ese empujoncito, ese jalón que me permita acércame más a ciertos conocimientos y también siento que me falto un abanico mayor de opciones. Opciones que ahora veo con claridad y que no llegaba a entender por qué no fueron opciones para mí hasta hace poco.

El ser humano inevitablemente busca el equilibro o la compensación. Si te falta comida te puedes llenar el estomago de agua, si te falta amor puedes buscar las drogas o el sexo, si te falta tu familia la puedes buscar en un grupo de amigos. Las compensaciones pueden ser buenas o malas, pero son necesarias. La última opción es la fuga de la realidad, es decir cerrar los ojos, decir que aquí no pasa nada y realizar actividades distractoras. Casi cualquier exceso (comer, dormir, jugar, etc.) son fugas de la realidad y la prueba fehaciente que el equilibrio no se ha logrado. En mi caso sin embargo no me percate de la presencia invisible de mi padre hasta cierta edad por lo que pensaba que de alguna manera era normal su comportamiento. Imagino que en gran medida me distraía jugando o haciendo deporte, actividades que no son malas en sí mismas pero que no me dejaban tiempo para enfrentar la realidad. Finalmente, después de muchos conflictos familiares, llegó el momento de la reparación, de la comprensión, del perdón, del acercamiento. La vida es agradable cuando sabes que vas por el camino correcto.

El primer acercamiento fuerte con mi padre fue cuando durante su trayecto de Cañete a Chincha con dos amigos de su trabajo tuvo un grave accidente de tránsito en un choque casi frontal con un bus de la línea Las Flores. Sus dos amigos murieron, el coche quedo completamente destrozado y digo completamente en un sentido estrictamente literal. Cuando vi el coche en la estación policial me parecía imposible que alguien haya podido sobrevivir dentro. Las llantas estaban completamente destruidas al igual que el chasís, las lunas, todo. En el hospital pude ver un hombre herido, débil, confuso imagen que contrastaba fuertemente con su aparente fortaleza y seguridad. Es curioso que ahora piense que si él hubiese fallecido no lo hubiera extrañado. No quiero que se me considere un hijo desnaturalizado pero hay tres explicaciones importantes para ello. La primera es que mi actitud frente a la muerte es tal que la asumo como un acontecimiento natural que debe suceder y que uno debe aceptar. No suelo ponerme triste frente a la muerte a menos que se trate de alguien muy joven y muy cercano. La segunda es que no suelo extrañar. Y la tercera es que no guardo muchos recuerdos de mi papá que me hagan extrañarlo. Sin embargo me di cuenta que algo no andaba bien. Y creo que fue en ese momento que empecé a entender. Algunas cosas venían a mi mente. Mi abuelo falleció a los 96 años cuando yo tenía 6 y mi padre 30. Es un dato muy significativo pues se infiere que mi abuelo tuvo a mi padre a los 66 aproximadamente. A los 66 un hombre no tiene la energía requerida para cuidar apropiadamente a un niño. Y según sé mi abuelo en algún momento de su vida se había lesionado y no podía andar muy bien. Otro detalle importante es que mi abuelo tuvo 11 hijos, una cantidad considerable para dedicar cuidados especiales a cada uno de ellos. Entonces imagino a mi padre de niño dedicado a la crianza de ganado, porque así era en su pueblo, gastar mucho tiempo entre los cerros, solo. Al regresar a casa encontrarse con mi abuelo descansando o dedicado a algún otro quehacer. Y seguramente era parecido con los niños de su pueblo. Esa distancia paterna era parte de su formación. De alguna manera me transfirió eso a mí, con la gran diferencia que yo no iba a cuidar ganado a los cerros si no que me iba a dedicar a una carrera profesional como ingeniero.

Por otro lado, la mayoría de los chicos que ahora superamos los 30 pertenecemos a esa segunda generación de jóvenes que fueron educados por padres no acostumbrados a la vida citadina. Es complejo el tema pero solo quiero recalcar algo. Nuestros padres y específicamente mi papá tuvieron que bregar duro para acostumbrarse a Lima y aprender solos. No tuvieron ni conocieron las grandes posibilidades que disponemos ahora. No pasaron por los grandes cambios tecnológicos que nosotros pasamos. Era una sociedad muy diferente y entiendo que en muchos casos, como en el mío, no estuvieron preparados para afrontar dicha realidad.
No pretendo justificarlos en su totalidad, menos a mi papá. El tuvo sus errores conmigo y me ha costado asimilarlos pero es una carga que quiero dejar atrás. Fue recientemente a raíz de un curso para salvavidas que tome conciencia de todo esto. Saliendo del curso y caminando por una calle estrecha y oscura de Breña me vino a la mente la idea que era imposible que a mis papás se les hubiera siquiera ocurrido la posibilidad de que sea salvavidas y no hablemos de otras opciones. Mi mamá a quien quiero mucho y con quien siempre converso quiso de nosotros que seamos profesionales no porque no hubiesen otras carreras si no porque simplemente ella no las conocía o le parecían muy limitadas.

Fue durante esa caminata que pensé que dentro de todo me estaba yendo bien. Pensé que definitivamente mis hijos, cuando los tenga, van a recibir muchas más opciones y dedicación de mi parte (espero) y crecerán felices. Como le decía a un amigo que se desvelaba por sus hijos: “Niños felices adultos felices y una sociedad feliz”. La ecuación es simple. Tal vez no les podamos evitar todos los problemas pero si les podamos dar las herramientas para enfrentarlos.

nosotros

Buena vida para todos, Renzo

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    Pregunta complicada, pero siento que he tenido una infancia muy feliz y en gran parte eso me ha sostenido en muchos momentos difíciles después.

  3. Rocio escribió:

    La felicidad de un niño depende de los padres… pero cómo saber si lo que los padres llaman felicidad, será lo mismo que los hijos llamarán felicidad? A lo mejor tu papá pensó que de esa manera te hacía feliz y ya ves? Lo mismo pasará con tus hijos… tú harás todo lo posible y hasta imposible por hacerlos felices… y cuando sean adultos ellos lo evaluarán a su manera. Ningún padre jamás busca la infelicidad de sus hijos.. simplemente es que todos somos diferentes y es difícil, casi imposible, que todos evaluemos las cosas de la misma manera.

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