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August 19, 2009
Se supone que deba escribir seriamente esta noche (para una charla sobre abuso y reparación) y sin embargo quiero tenderme en un diván de terciopelo, completamente desvestida y sólo llevando en el cuello un pendiente donde se refleje la luna o el mar, cual Rose de Titanic. Aunque sin esperar a que nadie me dibuje, porque mis trazos y colores los decido yo. De todos modos, puedo dejar que me toquen, que abran suavemente la línea que separa mis piernas y en ese tacto arquearme toda, muy alto, hasta quedar colgada de un hilo directo al cielo. Como un móvil en pleno espacio, verme de lejos y constatar que mi péndulo de carne y hueso no necesita oscilaciones bruscas y cíclicas para dar con su centro: mi médula de organza, el exacto medio de mí que es blando y suave, capaz de volar, cantar y comer semillas, a veces, como un pájaro haría.
Entre migraciones y gratitudes, como las aves justamente, es que me doy a luz. En toda mi envergadura, a mi velocidad justa, soy. Me forjo, yerro, encuentro el rumbo y me descarrilo, a veces con estrépito y otras, muy íntima y silenciosamente, en el pequeño-inmenso territorio que soy. Hay tantas formas de estar viva; tantas versiones de respirar, paralelas y engañosamente unísonas. Si presto atención, cada una es una melodía y en el aire se teje un pentagrama barroco donde reverencias y fugas son la respuesta natural, supongo, frente a la inmensidad sagrada de lo que ni sé cómo nombrar.
Crezco.
Me constato creciendo en un caos de música, palabras (y sus silencios respectivos) y ángeles (o algo así, mis hijas), y de esa alquimia perfecta que sólo se da entre una mujer y un hombre que conservan sus nombres y contornos, con más fuerza, precisamente gracias al amor. Ahí puedo tenderme, soñar o levantar algo: un hogar, una trayectoria, o apenas un dedo para señalar que amanece y que vale la pena poner atención a ese momento que nunca es igual. Millones de años y la belleza se las arregla para no perder originalidad ni por un segundo. Siglo tras siglo, día tras día, ningún rocío se distribuye igual que otro sobre la hierba, jamás la luz cae de igual forma sobre las ventanas del mundo.
Junto al cuerpo que despierta y me presenta a una mujer que no conocía hasta ahora, nada se siente igual, tampoco. El corazón muta cuatro estaciones por hora, o al menos por cada día y cada noche. La vida muere sin tregua en presente, y por darle esa libertad es que se queda y, en el fondo, nunca muere del todo. Sobre pilas de hojas, pétalos y plumas vencidas, quedan risas, ternuras, todo de nosotros. Por el universo andan fotografías diminutas que retratan los ojos de mis hijas, la buena voluntad del hombre que amo, las sonrisas dulces y misteriosas de mis amigas y amigos, mi alegría profunda por el privilegio de gozarlos a todos ellos, y de gozarme, que es ganarme, en otras palabras. Correr la carrera conmigo y no dejar que lleguen primero mis sombras y espectros, que también tienen derecho a correr, no está de más decirlo para que ellos sepan y confíen (y en esa confianza descansen), pero quien lleva la antorcha y recibe la coronita de laureles tengo que ser yo. No puede ser de otro modo. Y es desde el triunfo que hablo de “ganar”, pero también desde el ganar-me para estar simplemente de mi lado; cómplice absoluta; fan número uno de los empeños de mi espíritu desprolijo y porfiado, pero tan constante que conmueve. A mi me conmueve…y me gana entera: por eso a todas voy con él, a todas. Cada día más.
La historia de amor más sorprendente e imprevista es, a fin de cuentas, la que he logrado vivir conmigo misma y no es ególatra ni arrogante esta declaración, sino hija de una humildad macerada en décadas –ese tiempo puede tomar, cuando no se ha partido con el pie correcto- de aprender a mirarse con aprecio y con perdón. De pronto recuerdo que tengo dos cicatrices desafiantes de mi aprecio y mis perdones. Son dos visibles y miles de las otras, que no se ven. Pero bien podrían resumirse todas en las dos del cuerpo. Justo en el vientre, (Ecuador de mi mujer trizada y luego redimida en dos gestaciones), y en una pierna, huella de lo que me cuesta caminar a veces, y de las ganas que tengo de hacerlo sin metapío ni gasas pese a mi miedo a heridas y fracturas. Me da vergüenza mi desnudez en estos tiempos, confieso. A veces tristeza y hasta rabia. No es fácil ver al cuerpo con marcas. Es tan blanco el mío, para peor, y en su translucidez, cada costra toma la dimensión de un cráter. No debería asustarme: el magma que asoma es mío. Mi hervidura de sueños y aspiraciones, de deseos y orgamos adeudados que me he ido cobrando, lenta y alegremente, uno por uno. Si a pesar de sus marcas, esta piel puede abrigar, encender y desatarme, y conmigo, al compañero y todas sus pieles, de lobo, ciervo, hombre y dios, no puede ser tan poca cosa. Paso la esponja por cada tramo suyo repitiendo estas reflexiones y la secuencia de un último fuego, y doy gracias por poder sentir lo que siento, estas ganas de lanzar mis brazos hacia atrás, exhalar y sentir que en esa franja de aire crezco fuerte y hermosa como un planeta recién aparecido en la galaxia. Entonces, disculpo a mis cicatrices por estar ahí y contemplo mi imagen al salir del baño, con cariño elegante y franco. Fuera, me esperan para abrazarme con las manos y con los ojos y nunca hubo en una mirada tanta blandura y calidez; un hueco perfecto donde encajarme y descansar y agitar mi esencia también, remolino de viento y trueno en cada célula… sobre todo las del pulso más animal y genital de que mi organismo sea capaz y jamás haya sido.
Es todo bastante nuevo, y el pudor acompasa cada descubrimiento, pero me sé alerta y presente como nunca me sentí. Si hay algo que me vincula con lo divino de un solo momento, y con la capacidad lumínica (siempre disponible) de lo humano, es esta soltura de mi cuerpo que es al mismo tiempo acción de gracias, inspiración mágica y sexo puro, robusto y absoluto. Oneness, whole, totality, god, goddess, o como quiera que se llame la entidad que disuelve la sola posibilidad del vacío y hace caer una a una las cinco letras de su nombre. Así me siento en sus brazos, pero sobre todo en los míos, en posesión de ellos, usándolos como puedo usarlos (y no sabía), desde el hombro y hasta la yema de cada dedo, desplegar mi abundancia. Una pulsación que es infinita y versátil: resume sin tiempo ni restricciones mis cinco sentidos (y otros que creo tener) en el tacto y éste me convierte en un océano de mujer. Muto, cambio y de pronto puedo ser un paisaje que ahora es de bosques y establos, y pareciera que lo erótico es el único conjuro posible para el verde, y el heno, para venados o caballos, y seres humanos también. Hay algo perfecto en el acoplamiento de los cuerpos; en verdad perfecto. Una energía que no necesita ser consumada y sólo basta su latencia para dar otra textura a lo que nos rodea y moviliza. Es el vértice donde se encuentran otras plétoras, pero si ésta falta, si a mí me falta (y tampoco lo sabía), algo se siente suelto y pendiente. Así transcurrí la mayor parte de mi vida y me resulta extrañísimo y sorprendente reunir al fin, como en la vara donde se atan todas las guirnaldas en una fiesta, todas mis partes y gracias; saber que mi pulso es completo y ondulado y no una línea plana en el monitor invisible que lleva registro de mis días viva. Era tierra, agua, aire, pero no fuego, no totalmente. Mi llama estaba reducida a un espacio seguro, estrecho y a prueba de incendios, la media ni que paradoja, si todo lo que ella necesitaba para ser ella justamente, era arder. Ni un milagro más ni uno menos. La justa medida y presencia de lo sagrado en mí.
Ahora ardo.
Doy lumbre y calor. Tanto calor.
Sobre mis pecas quedan gotas de sudor, como después de la lluvia, pero en realidad son restos de fuego. No cenizas; más bien imagino brasas transparentes y cristalinas, capaces de devolver al sol reflejos multicolores: cientos de arco iris en miniatura yendo en su dirección, como en urgencia de fertilizar algo que ni siquiera cabe en las palabras sumadas de todas las lenguas. O sólo necesita una. De las más simples.
Amor.
Amor.
Si la repito demasiado me asusta quitarle parte de su espíritu, así como los aborígenes temen a las cámaras fotográficas. Pero es amor, en todas sus formas, el que me permite reunión, al fin, conmigo y con todo.
You told me I’m golden, como en la canción de The Weepies. El sol, el amor, mi cuerpo completo e iridiscente. Golden. Oro puro mi corazón también. Sin pulir ni convertido en joya o lingote, incondicionalmente bello y vivo. Dorada la vida. Eso debe ser lo que aventureros, conquistadores y piratas buscaban, pero como yo, tampoco sabían exactamente qué querían encontrar. Y es que toma su tiempo saber. Ojalá no tanto que en encontrar, o más bien hacer la vida que uno quiere, se le vaya a uno la existencia entera. Yo quiero creer que llegué a tiempo a darme a la bienvenida. Puntual y expectante, sigo acudiendo cada día. A veces, de madrugada, como hoy.
Abrazos, Renzo
Having read this I believed it was rather enlightening. I appreciate you spending some time and energy to put this informative article together. I once again find myself spending a significant amount of time both reading and commenting. But so what, it was still worthwhile!
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