Estrategias para sobrevivir al acoso de un perro

x Carlos Tovar

Perrito

Los perros, quien lo duda, son los animales más leales y cariñosos. Quien haya tenido un perro sabe perfectamente lo que significa el recibimiento cariñoso de un perro cuando uno llega a casa. Ahora bien, si bien los perros pueden proporcionarnos muchas alegrías, algunos pueden hacernos pasar ratos desagradables.

Lima, una ciudad donde los perros se entremezclan con la gente, es testigo diario de encuentros entre caninos y humanos que no necesariamente calificaríamos de agradables. Cuando un perro funge de amo de la cuadra, alegría no es precisamente lo que sentimos si nos lo encontramos en nuestro camino. Y en Lima hay cientos de ese tipo de perro. Por tanto, no es de sorprender que la primera cosa que uno aprende en Lima no sea cuidarse de los ladrones sino de los perros. ¿Qué limeño no se ha visto alguna vez sometido al ataque repentino de un perro? ¿Qué limeño no ha desarrollado una técnica o estrategia para evitar pasar momentos desagradables frente a un can?

Desde muy niño la primera precaución que uno aprende es cruzar la calle, buscando la acera opuesta, para evitar encontrarse con uno de los perros bravos de su barrio. Mientras más práctica tienes, con mayor discreción lo haces. Y cuando alcanzas la maestría nadie es capaz de notar que estás cruzando la pista por temor a que una criatura dentona, y con ganas de comer tu pantorrilla, te pegue de ladridos durante media cuadra, mientras tú, tratando de aparentar absoluta tranquilidad, buscas alejarte lo más pronto posible del lugar. Y aprendes a hacerlo con la mayor destreza posible si es que el perro del que huyes es uno de aquellos que apenas te llega al talón (o sea uno insignificante, que ni sombra tiene) dado que sería muy bochornoso que alguien notase que temes a un perrito al que ni los gatos más enclenques temerían.

¿Y qué hacer cuando transitas por una calle desconocida, en la que no has censado cuántos canes viven, y repentinamente un diablo canino aparece ladrándote, mostrando no sólo su hermosa dentadura sino también su húmeda y agitada lengua? Si un ataque por sorpresa puede noquear de tal forma al bando sorprendido y dejarlo a merced de su rival, la aparición intempestiva de un perro puede tener terribles consecuencias para la persona que es sorprendida por él. Un primer consejo es guardar calma. No correr. Si corres estas frito. Ello aumenta las posibilidades de que el perro, perrito, o cosa dentona se prenda de tu pantorrilla o, aun peor, de tu antebrazo. O aun mucho peor, de tu cara. Hace falta una gran dosis de autocontrol para evitar correr. Pero por experiencia propia sé que se puede. Así que si intempestivamente un perro te ladra, quédate ahí, sin chistar, hazte el muertito, que luego de olfatearte, el amigo dentón se irá, todo machito y dueño del lugar, después de haber dejado bien claro quien es el amo de la cuadra, el Jim Della Selva, el papirriqui.

¿Y qué hacer si el perro que aparece intempestivamente en tu camino anda con su dueño? Lo primero que te aconsejo es no fiarte del amo. Éste, la mayoría de las veces, es aun peor que el perro. Los hay de todo tipo. Están los que no se preocupan de lo que diablos haga su perro, o sea, arréglatelas solo con su mascota. Están los que se preocupan a medias. Es decir, parcialmente. O sea, fingen preocupación por la posibilidad de que su perro te ataque pero en realidad no les importa si ello pasa. Apenas mascullan el nombre de su perro y nada más. Sólo por cumplir.

Aun peor que los dos tipos de dueños anteriores están aquellos que piensan que el perro sólo está jugando contigo y que tú estás disfrutando de ese momento. Me refiero a aquellos que dicen: “No muerde, no te preocupes”, y esbozan una cálida sonrisa al ver que repentinamente su perro ha saltado sobre ti, ha puesto sus patas sobre tu pecho y ha empezado a ladrarte en plena cara, con el hocico húmedo y goteante, emulando al afiche de Alien vs Depredador, anticipando que, cualquiera que gane, tu pierdes.

Así, mientras te encuentras boca a hocico con el perro, soportando su aliento a comida enlatada, el dueño, muy orondo y canallamente dice: “No muerde”, mientras tú no alcanzas a comprender por qué diablos no llama a su perro y acaba de una de vez con tu martirio. Éstos son los peores dueños con los que te puedes chocar. En estos casos, no te queda otra cosa que poner la cara más amigablemente posible que tengas, sin que tu inesperada pareja poseedora de una sonrisa close up compuesta por cuarenta y dos filudas piezas, es decir, tu eventual amigo canino, note tu fastidio y temor. Simultáneamente, sin perder la tranquilidad, te aconsejo agregar: “Por favor, ¿podrías llamar a tu perro?”. Te sugiero que estés preparado para la siguiente respuesta: “No te preocupes, no muerde, es bien mansito” (Claro, aunque todas las evidencias que tengas delante, las cuarenta y dos, te digan lo contrario). Ten paciencia o estás perdido. No se trata de tu pantorrilla o brazo, sino de tu cara, y aunque probablemente no estés del todo a gusto con ella, seguro que se vería peor con una marca de mordedura. Así que insiste con calma: “Sí, pero no me deja caminar, así que te agradecería que lo llames”. No descartes que tengas que esperar con paciencia que esa situación pase cuando el perro se canse de ti. Cuando todo acabe, el dueño pensará que ambos, tú y el perro, pasaron un rato agradable y hasta te sonreirá y dirá: “¿Ves? era mansito”.

La segunda técnica, algo más sofisticada que la anterior, es aquella basada en ese sabio adagio: “Si no puedes con el enemigo, únetele”. Es decir, hacernos amigos del perro, su causa, su chochera, su yunta. Para ello nos ponemos una meta bien clara: “en una semana, el perro que tanto me molesta me moverá la cola cada vez que me vea”. Claro, que poner en práctica esta estrategia tiene sus riesgos: el perro puede no querer ser tu amigo bajo ninguna circunstancia. Además, no es recomendable aplicarla con un Dogo o con Lay Fun (¿o Fung? ¿Alguien tiene a la mano la partida de nacimiento de este perro?), quienes además de peligrosos comen mucho. Contra un Cocker Spaniel, Pekinés o Chihuahua funciona a la perfección. Si éstos rechazan la oferta de empezar una linda amistad contigo, al menos no morirás bajo sus fauces porque sencillamente no cabes. (Otra ventaja es, además, que comen poco). Otro riesgo es que el perro, una vez amigo incondicional tuyo, te siga a todas partes, esperando, cada vez que te vea pasar, que le arrojes algo de comida. En todo caso, siempre será preferible que un perro te siga a todas partes moviendo la cola y mostrando una oscilante lengua, a que te siga a ladridos queriéndote morder. Claro que en lugar de haberte librado de él, te habrás asegurado su compañía permanente. Son ironías de la vida.

Publicado inicialmente el 6 de septiembre de 2007 en nidodeerratas.blogspot.com

Puntuación: 5.00 / Votos: 1

Comentarios

  1. Candy escribió:

    Bueno, a decir verdad las estrategias de "hacerse el muerto" y/o "no correr" son bien conocidas. Me gusto más el artículo de los taxistas. Hay personas que no son necesariamente compatibles con los animales. Y ellos (los animales)lo saben muy bien.

  2. Carlos escribió:

    Candy,
    De niño, cierto, no era nada compatible con los animales, especialmente caninos. De grande cambió la cosa… Tuve una perra, de nombre Talia, a la que quise mucho. Ahora bien, con los pitbull guardo distancia, tanto no he evolucionado!

  3. Candy escribió:

    Talia?
    Q’ gay.

  4. Carlos escribió:

    Ja ja ja… jamás lo hubiera pensado. En fin, el nombre no se lo puse yo, pero si vuelvo a tener una perra le pongo Candy.

    Candy o Carlotta, o como te llames, tienes un "humor" bien masculino…

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    Uy curuju!
    Una Machito o un Macho-Macho gay sau!
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